Should-less Holidays!

It’s that time of the year again. The weather is cold, the days are short, and the advertising industry is directly and subliminally usingevery “should” in their billion dollar budget to make you feel as guilty and ashamed as possible. What are these “shoulds”? They may include:

I should give my loved ones everything they want for Christmas.

You should give me the perfect gift that I want.

Love and affection should be proven through the exchange of gifts.

I should be happier.

I shouldn’t eat too much food and gain weight.

My parents shouldn’t judge me when I go home.

I should be able to spend the money I used to have.

Families should be together.

I shouldn’t have lost my job this year.

I should be good at this stuff like other people.  

So what’s the alternative?

First,understand that you had to learn every "should" causing you stress or sadness at this moment. Not one of us popped out of our mother's womb saying, “I shouldn't have that extra cookie” or “I should be making more money.” If you learned your should, it means you can unlearn it.Try asking:

How did I learn this should? Your parents, your children, your friends, the billion dollar advertising industry?

Is this should true for everyone everywhere 24/7? Are there some who can be happy and fulfilled by not giving or receiving store bought gifts? If it’s possible for them, isn’t it possible for you?

Who is profiting off your should? Anytime,and I mean ANYTIME you feel guilty or sad there is a cash register somewhere singing. The media can make billions of dollars from making everyone feel insecure and fearful. You don’t have to give in to it.

How do you feel when you think this should?Does it bring you happiness? Peace? Hope? Or does it make you feel afraid, angry, frustrated, or depressed? You can change the way you feel by changing the way you see the holidays. If nothing else remember this: It is not the holiday that is making you feel upset, it is your“should” about the holiday that is making you feel upset.

Change It:You can try saying, “I prefer to be with my loved ones this year,” or“I can choose to make the holidays better by simply changing my mind”or “I wish I could gifts but I am a good person no matter what.”

By changing your thinking and talking about it with others you can have the very best “should-less” holiday ever.

Click here to purchase your own copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve." 

Adam Mayfield's "Shoulds"

Adam Mayfield is one of the most talented and sensitive young performers on daytime television today.  In my interview with him over at We Love Soaps, he shared with much about his role of Scott Chandler on All My Children and his struggles with insecurity and self-doubt.  Later in the interview, he discussed with me how reading, "Absolutely Should-less" has helped him to cope with these issues.

Damon L. Jacobs:  Looking back at this wild past year, what advice would you give yourself knowing what you know now?

Adam Mayfield:  Relax.  And enjoy it.  Because you’ve earned it.  Relax, you’re right where you need to be. 

Damon L. Jacobs:   When you think about that, do you really feel stressed about the material?

Adam Mayfield:  It helps tremendously.  And I don’t think I realized that until right now so I’m glad you asked me that. 

Damon L. Jacobs:   I sincerely believe our thoughts are so powerful in determining our emotional experience.

Adam Mayfield:  I agree and I wanted to touch on that.  I think what I got most out of your book was the idea of Core Beliefs.  I think if you can change you Core Beliefs, or at least identify Core Beliefs, then you can take that anywhere.  You can see that none of these thought patterns and these emotions are real, they are just mistaken beliefs that you’ve learned.  It’s that simple.  All this is is rewiring the brain, and then you can change your life.  If you can identify your Core Beliefs then you are more than half way there. 

Productive Shoulds

"I should be getting more work done"

How many of you have sat at your desk and told yourself, "I should be getting more work done"? On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything problematic with that idea, right?  After all, if you have goals to accomplish and responsibilities to uphold then of course you'll want to fulfill your duties.

The question comes back to, "How do you feel when you think that 'should'"?  If the feeling behind it is peaceful and joyful, then that's a beautiful thing.  But the more common feeling behind that type of "should" tends to be frustration, anxiety, stress, disappointment, and often self-anger.  How much work can you reasonably get done when you are experiencing any one of these feelings? And even if you do get the work done, what kind of shape are you going to be in by time it's completed?

There is an easier way to be more at ease and more productive.  It simply has to do with being willing to question this should, "I should be getting more work done.":

Introducing D'Ken!

It is my sincere honor (and my great luck) to introduce D'Ken Domondon as an administrator to this blog.  D'ken is generously sharing his artistic talents and aesthetic sensibilities to make this blog more fun to read, and pleasing to the eye.  As a Northern California art student, and winner of several awards on the Santa Rosa Junior College campus, it brings me great pleasure to welcome him aboard the "should-less" team.

Please take a look at his website to view his varied talents and unique vision.

Welcome D'ken! 

So What's The Big Deal About "Shoulds"?

In the years that I have been talking with friends, family, and clients about "shoulds," I can't tell you how many times the idea of eliminating shoulds has been mocked and challenged.  And that's all great, I have a wonderful capacity for finding the humor in things, and I do encourage serious questions.  But what is often behind these comments is the thought, "Shoulds are insignificant, they have nothing to do with how I feel."  And here is where we disagree. 

What is missing in that argument is the recognition of how language shapes reality.  The words we use play a significant role in our perceptions, how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we approach the world.

For example, let's say I don't get a job I've applied for.  I can use my words to tell myself and others, "I'm no good, I'm inadequate, I'll never get what I want."  And if I'm using those words to describe that situation, then I'm mostly likely going to experience depression, hopelessness, regret.  Now let's take the same scenario.  This time I come away from not getting a job by saying, "Although that's disappointing, it is no reflection on me, and it just means something better is waiting for me."  What is the experience that follows from saying that?  I will feel hope, optimism, peace.  And if I go into my next interview with hope, optimism, and peace, how much more likely is it I'll get considered for that job?

The same thing applies when we are broken-hearted.  You can say, "I'll never love again," or "I'll be okay with or without a partner."  It's that easy.  One results in hopelessness, the other results in empowerment.  Which one do your prefer? 

I've had people say to me, "But if I'm getting what I want, what's wrong with saying 'I should be getting what I want'?"  Nothing is inherently "wrong" about that.  If your experience is happy, joyful, fulfilling, and peaceful, and you have found a way to use "should" to get you there, then that is a beautiful thing.  Unfortunately, "shoulds" are usually in conflict with what is truly happening in reality.  The numerous comments people left under the "Give Up Your Should Day" post can attest to that. 

Language does shape human perception, it always has.  If it is your intention to have more happiness and joy in your life, then challenging common "shoulds" is one way to get there.  It may not be the only way, but it's a simple, fast, efficient tool for reducing stress and misery in the here and now.  My hope is that by writing Absolutely Should-less and keeping up this blog that we will all be reminded the power of language, and use that power to help ourselves and others.  

The Day After: Was It Good For You?

I want to first give a huge shout-out and THANK YOU to all those who participated in the 2nd Annual Give Up Your Should Day.

Now, in the days after, I want to hear from you again.  Please let me know how it felt to give up your "should" on this day, and if you decided to pick that "should" back up on Monday, November 2nd, or if you have continued to let it go.  Even if you did not leave a comment yesterday, you are welcome to participate in this part.

Remember by participating you are entered to win a signed copy of "Absolutely Should-less" or a "Should-less" T-shirt.  Good luck! 

2nd Annual Give Up Your "Should" Day!

The Second Annual
Give Up Your "Should" Day
Is Here!

Thank you for coming! It is my deepest hope that by giving up at least one "should" for today that you will realize you have the ability and the right to have more peace and joy in your life anytime you choose. This is especially important to remember with the holiday season quickly approaching.


So for today, please use the comments section here to list at least one "should" you will give up for November 1st. Then of course you are welcome to pick it back up on November 2nd if you choose. If you want to be entered into a drawing for a signed copy of Absolutely Should-less or a "Should-less" T-shirt, then make sure you leave your e-mail address here, or send it to me at shouldless@gmail.com.


Good Luck! And enjoy your "should-less" day!

Should-less Halloween

Earlier this afternoon I found myself experiencing a considerable amount of anxiety and irritability. In my experience I can always pinpoint a "should" that is directly responsible for this kind of suffering. Today, my "should" was:

It's Halloween, it's a Saturday night, we get an extra hour, so I should go out.

So with the help of my book, "Absolutely Should-less," I did some questioning:

How did you learn this should?
I learned it from the culture around me that reminds I should be social and extroverted on a Saturday night, especially if it's a holiday and I can get extra sleep. The media is constantly telling me I should want go out, spend money I don't have, and party the night away.
Is this should true for everyone?
Absolutely not. There are plenty of happy people who do not go out on Halloween.
Who is profiting off your should?
Certainly the bars, the clubs, the restaurants I would go to, the cabs I'd end up taking (despite my best intention to use the subway).
How do you feel when you think this should?
Anxious, inadequate, miserable, socially inept.
What would Halloween be like without this should?
It would be great! It would be peaceful, fun, joyful, whether I go out or not.
Replace it...
I could go out tonight. I might go out. Or I could stay in and prepare for my WeLoveSoaps video shoot tomorrow with Alex Evan Cole. No matter what I do, I have a choice to have fun, or be miserable. That choice is mine.

And with that I feel better. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I realize that if I make a choice based on "shoulds" then I will be unhappy. Wouldn't it be easier just to be honest with myself and do something that feels right?

Q & A for Give Up Your Should Day

Question: What is this thing all about?
Answer: This is the second annual "Give Up Your Should Day." It is a chance for people to go one day giving up a "should" about themselves or about others that is causing stress. Just one day! If people want to go back to shoulding on November 2nd they are welcome to do so.

Question: Why is it on November 1st?
Answer: Because November 1st marks the beginning of the holiday season. Or to put it another way, this is when the media's campaign to make you feel as horrible as possible kicks in. If you start by giving up one should on November 1st, then I promise your holiday season will be better!

Question: Where have you been? You've been ignoring this blog for months. If you cannot find time for us, why should we find time for you and buy your books?
Answer: Great question! Although I don't believe anyone "should" buy my book about "shoulds," I do think it will help people get through all of life's struggles regardless of whether I'm blogging or not. I have been very wonderfully busy this past summer doing interviews and commentaries at We Love Soaps.net. There I do interviews with people on screen, behind the scenes, theater reviews, as well as cover events such as the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy's and Broadway Cares If the names Jacklyn Zeman, Harding Lemay, Suzanne Rogers, Claire Labine, James DePaiva, Lynn Herring, Colleen Zink Pinter, Jessica Leccia, or Van Hansis mean anything to you, check out my features here.

Question: So are you focusing on "shoulds" or "soaps" now?
Answer: Both! My work on "shoulds" has been more offline, as I am working on a new book about "Should-less Relationships." So both are getting lots of attention, it's just the soap work is more obvious and public.

To participate in Give Up Your Should Day:

Leave a comment on this blog on November 1st telling me which should(s) you are going to give up for that one day. Then come back over the next week and tell me what that day was like. If you want to win a signed copy of "Absolutely Should-less" or win a T-shirt, then make sure you leave an e-mail address where I can find you.

[p.s. - If you want to continue to give up that "should" after November 1st you are welcome to do that too!]

Give Up Your "Should" Day!

Hey everyone! After a long break this blog is back, alive and kicking!

And it's just in time for the second annual Give Up Your "Should" Day! Yes, November 1st is the return of this yearly event. For one day, you are invited to give up a certain "should" that leads to stress, guilt, misery, or any sort of sadness. Some examples of "shoulds" people gave up last year included:

I should clean the house
I should go to the gym
I should be making more money
I should lose weight
I shouldn't still be grieving this loss

And many many more. Remember, a "should" is any rigid thought you carry about yourself, the people around you, and the world. It is NOT necessarily tied to your action. For example, you could give up your "should" about going to the gym, and then still go to the gym. It's not about what you do or don't do, it's about the thoughts and beliefs you are carrying as you move through you life.

So here's how this works: Come back to this blog on Sunday, November 1st, and tell me which "should" you are giving up for the day [you are welcome to give up more than one!]. Then during the next week come back to this blog and tell me what that one day was like. Several lucky participants will even win a "Should-less" T-shirt!



C'mon, it will be fun! If you have more questions feel free to write me at shouldless@gmail.com.
Good luck!

Should-less Inspiration: Louise Sorel

Louise Sorel is a wonderful and spirited actress who is known best by soap fans for her memorable roles as Augusta Lockridge on Santa Barbara, and the irrepressible Vivian Alamain on Days Of Our Lives. Fans of primetime television may remember her notable appearances on Charlie's Angels, Kojak, and even the original incarnation of Star Trek.

I had the chance to sit down and interview Ms. Sorel in Manhattan two weeks ago. The woman I met was not only an articulate and hysterically funny entertainer, but also a profoundly deep and soul-filled artist. She is struggling to find the balance in her life between staying true to her own voice, and conforming to other's expectations. She is trying to act up and fight for animal rights while not becoming overwhelmed and consumed with tragedy and outrage. She is on this journey, like most of us, to live an authentic and meaningful existence, while frequently clashing with outside forces.

As someone who is also trying to find his voice in this world, I found her hopeful and inspiring. I gave her a copy of Absolutely Should-less, hoping that the ideas about "shoulds" may help her to find more peace and grounding within herself as she carries forward with her passions and her struggles. Will it help? We'll see. But I was reminded during this interview just how much a connection with another soul can renew my momentum and energy. And this has helped me to make some important decisions coming up in my own life.

Please check out my interview with Louise Sorel here.

Should-less Relationship Principle #5: Friendship

It never fails to astound me how frequently people choose to be in relationships with people they don’t like. Why would someone voluntarily spend time with someone they can’t stand? To get to the bottom of this I think it important to once again explore what you have learned about what relationships “should” look like.

If you learned from parents or primary caretakers that two people in a relationship are meant to argue and “should” each other over and over, then you are likely to carry that idea into your own relationships as an adult. I have heard many people approach dating like an Olympic sport—there is competition over who is “better”, who is smarter, who makes more money, who is more successful. There are rules, there is game playing, and there are definitely winners and a losers.

Then, once in a relationship, the competition gets kicked up notch. Conflicts become the norm, arguing is the primary means of communication, and manipulation is the strategy for getting your “needs” met. These kinds of unions frequently employ high stakes drama, ie, screaming, yelling, door slamming, dish breaking, phone hanging-up, as a habitual form of expression.

A big problem with that is that high stakes drama is hard to sustain, and often has to be escalated in order for each member to achieve the “high” they felt last time. This is frequently the point when I see violence enter into a relationship. Hitting rarely comes out of the blue, it is usually a natural outgrowth of the kind of aggressive and competitive patterns described above. This is not to say that it is ever excusable or acceptable to batter a partner. But it is important that we understand the “shoulds” and aggressive communication styles that lead up to violence being introduced into a relationship, in order to prevent them from continuing.

The good news is there is a much easier and more enjoyable way to relate to others. What if you had a relationship with someone that was based in friendship, agreement, and honor? What if you and your significant other were able to drop the “shoulds” about one another and instead focused on respecting differences, creating a supportive union, and supporting each other’s hopes and dreams? What if your partner was best friend?

These are the goals of being in a should-less relationship. In many ways, having your primary partner as your best friend may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t your best friend usually the one to whom you would confess your secrets, your fears, your guilty pleasures? Yes, they would, and in a relationship void of “shoulds” there is possibility for this to happen as well.


Some key questions to clarify this are:

- Do I like my partner?
- Do I choose to spend spare time with my partner?
- If I’m upset or sad do I want to turn to my partner for comfort?
- If something great happens, do I want to tell my partner?
- When I’m sick, do I want my partner to take care of me?
- Do I feel just as loving and concerned about my partner as I do my friends or my pets?
- Do I trust my partner?
- Am I able to accept my partner’s point of view even when it is different from my own?
- Do I feel equal to my partner?
- Am I feeling happy when I’m with my partner?

If you answered “no” to one or more of the questions above, then you may seriously want to examine if this is the right person for you. Again, the goal of this blog isn’t to tell you who you “should” be with, but it is to give you some guidelines and tools for deciphering with whom you can happily and peacefully share your life. If you don’t like the person you are with, it can make it very difficult to experience the fun and enjoyment that you deserve.

Should-less Relationship Principle #4: Setting Your Own Rules

Should-less relationships create their own standards and set their own rules.

Way too often, we assume that the people we are dating and connecting with share the same values as ourselves. These values may include everything and anything from where to live, what to eat, what kind of friends to have, how to spend leisure time. They may also relate to values such as child rearing, monogamy, spending money, addressing medical care. If you are automatically assume that the person you are with has the same standards and priorities as yourself, then you could be in for a some disappointment.

Of course we always want to think that our way of doing things is definitely the “right” way to do it. You may have learned the toilet paper “should” get pulled from over the top, and your partner may be absolutely convinced it should be from under. It might be easy to laugh how such an issue can be a source of strife between two people, but then think about what happens when the conflict comes down to money, sex, or taking care of an elderly relative. How do you negotiate who is “right” and how things “should” be?

The obvious answer in a blog about living “should-less” is that there are no absolutely right or wrong answers to any of these issues. Or to put it another way, there is no rule book telling you and your partner how you should live, what you should do, and what decisions you should make. You and your significant other are completely responsible for figuring out together what standards and agreements you are going to follow. From toilet paper to toddlers, from marriage to monogamy, you are setting your self up for failure if you automatically assume your partner is going to follow the same set rules as yourself. Unless you are living in a cult or a compound (and then unlikely reading this), you are living in a diverse society where societal values and norms are changing constantly. If you want the satisfaction and peace that a loving relationship has to offer you, then you may wish to create a set of agreements and standards with your partner that is agreeable for both of you.



As an example:

Should-filled relationship:  You should come with me to visit my mother on Sunday, that’s simply what good people do.

Should-less relationship: I would like your company when I visit my mother on Sunday. I hope you’ll come with me. But either way I choose to be at peace and hope you’ll make the choice that is right for you.

In the “should-filled” example, the speaker is trying to use “should” and social conformity to control what their partner does. In the “should-less” example, the speaker accepts that their partner may or may not come with them, but respects them either way, knowing that there are no hard and fast rules about visiting someone’s mother that everyone in a diverse society will agree upon. The speaker is practicing acceptance, staying in the here-and-now, and taking full responsibility for her or his own mood state.

What do you think? Is this more "BS"? Or is there some merit to communicating and co-creating standards with your loved one? Please, discuss!

Feast of Fun!

I had such a fun time visiting Chicago this weekend, and talking with the wonderful wacky boys of Feast Of Fun. Fausto Fernos and Marc Felion took Matt and myself to Halsted Market Days, introduced us to some wonderful locals, and even took us partying with Kristine W.!

On the podcast you'll get to hear the four of us discuss issues related to Should-less relationships, as well as Amazon's privacy rules (or lack thereof?), a heart-warming story of a dog's homecoming, and discussions of which of your loved one's body part you'd like to use as an urn. Don't miss it!

Please press here to listen to it, and feel free to leave comments below!

Should-less Relationships Principle #3: Responsibility

Should-less relationships encourage responsibility for one’s own wellness.

Think about all the reasons you have for getting involved with another person. Is it for safety? Security? Stability? To avoid loneliness? To avoid emptiness? Have you ever stayed with someone simply because the relationship itself had become a habit?

If you answered “yes,” or even “maybe,” to any of these questions then fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Because anytime, yes anytime, you are using another human being to make you feel something or give you something you think you don’t already have, then you are setting yourself up for a roller coaster of emotional turmoil, stress, resentment, and most likely emptiness.

Now before you push the "x" button on this page, please consider the following. As long as you tell yourself that your needs “should” be met by another person, you are giving someone else complete control of your emotional state. I am inviting you now to simply take a look at the active role you are playing in the story of your suffering, and encouraging you to assume more ownership in this process.

In order to this, we must first acknowledge a fundamental idea that runs consistently in nearly every book, movie, song, or even fairy tale about love and romance. It states, “I am not enough alone. Another person should come into my life and make me whole. Another person should meet my needs.” Sound familiar? Most of us in American society have been directly and indirectly inundated with this message. It goes as far back to the idea of Romeo & Juliet's tragic love story, Snow White waiting for the prince to wake her up, to Renee Zelwigger telling Tom Cruise, “You complete me,” to nearly any movie playing now or song you’ll hear on the radio. If you have ever believed you are not enough and need to be “completed” by another person, then you have been bought and sold a bill of goods by the corporate media.

Why would they do this? Why would someone knowingly make you believe something that is bound to lead to suffering, disappointment, or heart ache? Because they know you will buy things when you feel bad about yourself. If I’m trying to sell a movie script which will give single people hope, then I damn well better make sure that there are a lot of miserable single people out there who need hope. I’ll do everything in my power to make single people feel less than or inadequate in order to get to them to spend their good money to see my movie. Given this context, it makes perfect sense that you or I or that person next to you are all saying, “Other people should meet my needs.”

What follows, then, is a natural tendency to blame others for the way you feel. After all, if other people are here to meet your needs, and they’re failing to do that, then they deserve to be blamed, shamed, maimed, or whatever it takes for them to fall in line and get busy attending to your mood state, right?

The good news, it simply doesn’t have to be that way. There are much easier ways to be in relationships with others. By taking responsibility for your own needs, for your own moods, for your own sense of purpose and wellness, you are opening the door to experiencing all kinds of wonderful connections with others. When you approach other people from a place of fullness, instead of emptiness, you will find that spending quality time with others will result in much more fun, joy, and peace.

People in should-less relationships do not meet each other’s needs, they expand upon what is already there. Individuals enter into this relationship realizing they already are lovable, stable, adequate, and deserving. Other people may help to increase these qualities, but they do not fill them or make them true. Or to put it another way, people in should-less relationships don’t wait to be brought flowers, they bring their own. If someone else offers them, then that’s great, there are more flowers in the room! But either way, each member takes responsibility for their own garden with or without the contributions of the other.