Tuesday, July 7, 2009

We Love Soaps Podcast


The first podcast is done! I had so much fun sitting down with these two wonderful intelligent guys and talkin' soaps. Please give us a listen at WeLoveSoaps.net or "Welovesoaps" on iTunes and tell me what you think!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Should-less Holidays


Earlier this afternoon I found myself experiencing a considerable amount of anxiety and irritability. In my experience I can always pinpoint a "should" that is directly responsible for this kind of suffering. Today, my "should" was:

It's the 4th of July, it's a Saturday night, I should go out.

So with the help of my book, "Absolutely Should-less," I did some questioning:

How did you learn this should?
I learned it from the culture around me that reminds I should be social and extroverted on a Saturday night, especially if it's a holiday. The media is constantly telling me I should want go out, spend money, watch fireworks, and party the night away.
Is this should true for everyone?
Absolutely not. There are plenty of happy people who do not go out on the 4th of July,
Who is profiting off your should?
Certainly the bars, the clubs, the restaurants I would go to, the cabs I'd end up taking (despite my best intention to use the subway).
How do you feel when you think this should?
Anxious, inadequate, miserable.
What would the 4th of July be like without this should?
It would be great! It would be peaceful, fun, joyful, whether I go out or not.
Replace it...
I could go out tonight. I might go out. Or I could stay in and prepare for my WeLoveSoaps podcast on Monday. No matter what I do, I have a choice to have fun, or be miserable. That choice is mine.

And with that I feel better. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I realize that if I make a choice based on "shoulds" then I will be unhappy. Wouldn't it be easier just to be honest with myself and do something that feels right?

Monday, June 29, 2009

He Loves Soaps!

To my Should-less friends,

As promised a few weeks back, I have some very exciting news to share. Starting this week I will begin making regular contributions at WeLoveSoaps.net, a fun and fabulous daily-updated website that is dedicated to honoring the passionate soap loving fan. I will be getting an opportunity to do interviews and features which promise to deliver messages of hope, inspiration, and tools to survive life's challenges in this confusing world. And of course, there will be some juicy dirt too!

Starting July 7th, Roger Newcomb, Michael Goldberg and myself will begin producing a regular podcast which will feature news items, unique perspectives, and fascinating interviews with the stars on screen and those behind the camera. You know if I'm involved there will also be some heated debates and "should-less" ideas thrown into the mix. The links to the shows will be featured here, as well as on WeLoveSoaps.net.


My other big news is that I have a solid rough draft of the next book done, and will be using this column to test out some passages. The public comments and private e-mails I have received have helped me to find new ways to communicate and write about issues that are relevant and meaningful in daily lives, especially in relationships.

So please check back here during the week to read "should-less" tips, samples from the next book, and the back stories behind the features you can listen and read and WeLoveSoaps.net. And if I don't say it enough, thank you to EVERYONE who has been coming back and reading, I appreciate your patience!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I See Should-less Dead People

It's hard out there to be a celebrity this week. As I've been home writing, it seems like one famous person after another has been dropping dead. Now that I'm going back to work tomorrow I'm hoping this pattern stops.

What has been perplexing about seeing the news unfold "live" about these deaths is witnessing how differently people get treated once they are gone. Michael Jackson was treated like a monster for the past 16 years of his life who "should" act "normal." Farrah Fawcett frequently was the target of many jokes regarding her erratic public appearances, and how she "should" sober up. And Billy Mays wasn't even on the radar of mainstream media outlets until his death.Why is that when people are alive they are held to unreasonable standards, but are allowed to be "should-less" once they are gone? Isn't it hypocritical to persecute someone in life, then idolize them in death? Why does someone have to die young to catch a break?

For me these public deaths serve as a reminder that nothing is permanent, time is precious, and my "shoulds" about others are simply wasted. Why do I have to wait until someone is gone to appreciate to them? I'm going to focus this week on valuing the positive qualities of the people around me. Because as we've seen from last week, we may not get a chance to do it tomorrow.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Message From The Should-less Guy


To the wonderful loyal readers of this blog,

Thank you so much for your dedicated viewings. I apologize for being a bit neglectful lately. Blogging presents an interesting paradox for me - on one hand I have an outlet to communicate ideas, question old beliefs, and share day-to-day struggles with should-less living. On the other hand, I am amazingly bereft of Deep Thoughts at times.

I recently found myself amused at all the "shoulds" I had about keeping up a "should-less" blog. The truth is: working a full time job, writing the next book, and maintaining some type of social life have all contributed to this column not being regularly updated. I could theoretically put up random non-shouldless material from time-to-time, but realized that would not be consistent with the reason I created this blog in the first place.

So I am committing to maintain quality commentaries whenever the hell the mood strikes me. I thank the readers of the blog for being so patient as the next book about "should-less" relationships is being written. And for the soap fans, I have some very exciting news coming up in the next few weeks.

All the best,
Damon

Monday, June 1, 2009

You Asked ... James DePaiva Answered

Some wonderful fans had questions for the articulate and outspoken James DePaiva (ex-Max Holden on One Life To Live) based on the interview that was printed here. His responses are listed below:

Q: "Is there any one other than your wife, male or female, that you keep in touch with in the show or have a special relationship with?"
James DePaiva: I still keep in close contact with Bob Krimmer (Rev. Andrew). He is a very dear and important friend to me. I also see Susan Batten (Luna) quite often. She has an apartment in the same building and she married a lifelong friend of Kassies from Kentucky. They are only in NY part-time so we try to get together when they are around.

Q: "How did you feel when Asa passed away in real life? Did you have a relationship with him outside the show?"
James DePaiva: My relationship with Phil Carey was pretty much only at the show (except for the many visits to the local bar after the show). Of course, for many of those years, the show was our life.
I was very saddened by the passing of Phil (as well as Clint). They were both tremendous in their roles and were crucial to the biggest successes of OLTL. I was a big fan of both before I came to OLTL, so it was a thrill to work with them and to get to know them on a personal level.

Q: "Of all the women that Max was with during his years at “OLTL” which one do you think Max was the most in love with? Luna? Roxy? Blair? Or somebody else?"
James DePaiva: Max was too fickle for me to make a choice. Whichever woman he wanted at the time, was the love of his life. I think the fact he ended up alone, is a testament to his inability to have a love of his life. He had a love of his moment, of his conquest.
I suppose an argument could be made for Luna, but she died too soon, so we'll never know if Max could have sustained his passion for her. In reality, the love of his life was whoever the producers and writers thought it should be.
From my perspective the most important thing to me, was the incredibly talented, beautiful, hysterically funny and inventive group of actresses I got to play with. I was truly blessed with an amazingly diverse collections of playmates. If asked to choose a favorite, I'd have to say, "who am I with today?"

Q: "So are you interested in doing any directing? also, besides playing your guitar, what else are you doing with your time?"
James DePaiva: I would love to direct another film. Other than guitar, I have devoted a lot of time to developing my voice. I am currently auditioning for voice-overs and am in development for an Off-broadway musical. I've had the occasional theater job. I have been Mr. Mom for the last 5 yrs.. In addition to that, too many hobbies, skills and passions involving our country home life to mention.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"You should stop bugging me."


One of the pleasures of strolling around Manhattan is getting to eavesdrop on other people's conversations. Sometimes it's a long dialogue on the subway, or sometimes it's just hearing snippets of an argument while passing on the sidewalk. The latter happened for me yesterday on 49th street.

I was heading down the street and passed a young man and woman who appeared to be engaging in a round of fooling around / horseplay, with a mixture of affection and anger mixed in. He kept trying to touch her, she laughed while pulling away from him and complaining, "You should stop bugging me!" Yet every time she pulled away, she moved right back toward him.

Was I seeing a couple in love? A couple in hate? A couple in heat? Or some combination thereof? It occurred to me that in so many relationships these elements are intertwined. Clearly she carried "shoulds" about him not bugging her, then did every thing in her power to make sure he would bug her. I was reminded how common it is for so many to use "shoulds" to complain about their significant other, then use their behavior to ensure that the action continues.

Is this a "healthy" way to be with another person? I certainly can't say what works for anyone else, but it sure doesn't seem like a peaceful way to me. My next book discusses how "should-less" relationships can bring fun, peace, and enjoyment to every day interactions, as opposed to stress, attack, and annoyance. Which one do you prefer?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If You Love Me You "Should"...

Be Monogamous

On the surface of it, this seems like a common expectation, isn't it? After all, in most marriage ceremonies there is usually a line involving "forsaking all others until death do you part." It makes sense that when an idea is so deeply ingrained culturally that it would play out in the form of "shoulds" in individual relationships.

The only problem with this is that a large amount of unions/partnerships are not monogamous in practice. From Elliot Spitzer, to Bill Clinton, to Matthew Broderick, to John F. Kennedy, to Brad Pitt, we are constantly being reminded that monogamous long-term relationships may in fact not be the norm.

What if there was a way to have an open and honest conversation with your wife/husband/significant other/partner about the realities of monogamy, without the "shoulds?" Wouldn't it be great for two people in a relationship to come together and honestly communicate preferences, wants, and desires, without judgments and without shame? Many couples are in fact doing more of this, and navigating the murky waters of "cheating" vs. "having an agreement."

In order to successfully do this, each person must drop their "shoulds." They must challenge what they've learned about relationships from their families, friends, culture, society, and be willing to have a possibly uncomfortable conversation with the person they care about. Remember, none of us were born into this world declaring, "I should find one person and only have sex with them the rest of my life." This is a learned belief, and one that seems to be in conflict with reality for many relationships.

Instead of judging that, talk about it. The more a couple communicates, the less likely there will be lying or deceit. The more they talk about their feelings, the less likely they will experience feeling betrayed and hurt. And wouldn't that be so much easier ?

Friday, May 15, 2009

So given that we have countless books and "experts" out there trying to help people succeed in relationships, why do we keep screwing it up?

The answer to this is that our own thoughts and belief systems have put up barriers to our ability to bond and connect with others. More precisely, it is our “shoulds” that lead us to feel alienated from each other, angry at one another, isolated, and afraid. “Shoulds” are rigid expectations that we carry around, usually outside of our immediate awareness. But if you have ever had a relationship that suffered because you judged your partner’s behavior, acted out of anger against someone, or even because you carried any kind of grudge, then you have experienced the consequences of carrying such “shoulds,” and this is the right blog for you.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Should-less Relationships

Relationships don’t have to be THAT hard. We are all walking around on this earth trying to connect with others, trying to build meaningful and satisfying bonds with others. But for so many there is something getting in the way of this experience, something preventing individuals and couples from having the joyful life they want and deserve.

You would think it would be different by now. After all, humans have been roaming the planet for billions of years, SOMEHOW we’ve made it this far. We now have more ways than ever to stay connected: cell phones, e-mails, text messaging, access to travel. Go to any bookstore and you’ll find dozens of books which instruct people how to stay in fulfilling relationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you’ll see “experts” sharing how to have better communication, more sex, happier unions. More and more American states and worldwide governments are recognizing same sex marriages and as valid and legally sanctified unions. Given all this, why do we keep screwing things up?

This next major topic for this blog will be navigating the waters of should-less relationships. This is a course many have traveled, but never quite like this. Please keep reading for observations, tips, and strategies for making all your relationships free of destructive "shoulds."

Kassie DePaiva!


The final interview from the Rock the Soap Cruise is up! Getting a chance to sit down and chat with an actress whose work I have admired for 16 years was truly amazing. Most of these questions were asked in a starstruck haze, but I encourage you to read them for yourself here.

What is that strange book in Kassie DePaiva's hands? Click on the picture to enlarge it and find out!

I am really proud of how these interviews turned out and hope you have enjoyed them too. After this, back to Should-less meanderings on day to day life!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Hetrick-Martin Institute!


Hey Folks! First of all I must thank the 8 wonderful readers of the this blog who check-in even when I'm not updating regularly. You rock! If you're brave enough, tell me who you are!

I am so honored to have been asked to be part of this event on Saturday, May 9, here in NYC. The Hetrick-Martin does tireless work every day to help gay youth choose a healthy should-less path in life. If you're in the area, please stop by!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Melissa Claire Egan!

When I interviewed Melissa Claire Egan (Annie Novak Lavery on All My Children) on board the Rock the Soap Cruise, all I kept thinking was, "courage." This young woman has the courage to reach inside herself and expose the deepest parts of her soul every day in front of her audience and in front of her peers. She was even brave enough to stand up to the Soap Shrink and my issues with the portrayal of the psychiatric profession on her show! Please press here to learn how she brings curiosity, depth, and humor to the role we've all come to love.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Elizabeth Hendrickson

Combine the beauty of Jennifer Garner and the comic timing of Debra Messing and what do you get? The hysterically entertaining and insightful Elizabeth Hendrickson! During SoapNet’s “Rock the Soap Cruise,” we talked about her experiences and life lessons learned from mistakes on All My Children and her current run on The Young and the Restless. Press here to read about all this plus her own take on "shoulds."

Monday, April 20, 2009

Bobbie Eakes

Before meeting Bobbie Eakes, I knew she had talent, I knew she had beauty, I knew she had an amazing singing voice. What I didn't know was how much humor, intelligence, and self-awareness has contributed to her portrayal of Krystal on ABC's All My Children. She is also rather fearless, given she was the first actor on the Rock the Soap cruise to give me an interview!


Please press here as she shares life lessons, reflections on a 20 year career in soaps, and even insights on sex addiction!